Here’s something you didn’t know: The holidays are here, and that means finding gifts for everyone on your list. Mom, siblings, significant other and the cousin’s husband’s child from a previous marriage whom you drew in the extended family’s Secret Santa exchange. And dear old Dad.

According to a study, no one likes shopping for dads. Aww. That’s because it’s impossible, though. We love our fathers, of course, but what do you get the man who probably wants nothing but peace and quiet?

We’ve got 12 awesome gifts that science guarantees* he’ll love this holiday season!

Something techy: Hands-free iPad stand
$84.99

Invented by NASA so that astronauts might be able to stay up-to-date on RHOA while exploring the last frontier, this platinum-hued gooseneck stand lets you use your iPad without the burden of holding your iPad. This has actually been our dream since we were seven years old lying awake in bed envisioning a TV suspended from the ceiling. And everyone knows how Dad loves a good lounge sesh. Park this stand right next to his recliner in the den and he can doze off under his favorite Clint Eastwood performance.

Something for naps: Poop emoji pillow
$18.95

Nothing shows Dad how much you respect both his tech savvy and refined bathroom humor like this pillow, shaped like a smiling turd. “Extremely soft and comfortable,” according to the listing, this, the most enigmatic of all the emojis, will make an excellent nap companion for literally any father on the planet.

Something outdoorsy: Car-crushing tank experience
$499

“Why just drive a tank when you can crush cars with one?” the website of Tank Town USA wonders. If we only had a dollar for every time we heard that. Founded as a treatment center for men suffering from testosterone poisoning, Tank Town is located on the side of a freeway, billing itself as the number one thing to do in Blue Ridge, Georgia. Here, Dad can live out his recurring dream of smashing up a rusted out ’92 Ford Taurus. A similar establishment near Minneapolis will let you tank-smash cars, too.

Something to drink: Moonshine
Varies

Legal moonshine (surprisingly not an oxymoron) has been on the up and up for a few years now. Invented by John D. Rockefeller during one particularly constructive night of sleepwalking, moonshine once enjoyed intense popularity among the fashionable elite. But these days, everyone can try some. This one is “almost vanilla-y” and “not too hot,” according to people in our office.

Something for golf: Floating golf hole
$114-$589

Here’s the perfect thing for a dad who loves golf! Created by a tax-evading multi-millionaire on the yacht where he’s spent 10 years living in international waters, this floating piece of golf course comes in five different sizes. Combine them for a crazy aquatic golf adventure that will delight swimmers with high-velocity plastic balls.

Something for work: Label maker
$16.18

Fun fact: If you gift your father a label maker, something like this will happen. Then you can take pictures and post them to the Internet, where one day they may appear on BuzzFeed.

Honestly, we’re not sure why anyone might actually need a label maker aside from the express purpose of recreating a kindergarten classroom at home. You really need to label some drawers with their contents? How about you just, you know, open the drawer and find out?

Something for bed: Unicorn onesie
$62.30

PROVEN SUCCESSFUL DAD GIFT, where n=1. Designed for children but enjoyed by all, onesies are always a great gift because no one has ever bought one for themselves in the history of time. Onesies solve all the problems a person faces when trying to decide which oversized shirt to pair with which pair of sweatpants. They are universally adored.

Something he actually asked for

It’s just a suggestion. Maybe you don’t think gardening gloves make for an exciting gift, but maybe Dad had the same thoughts about the platform sneakers you wanted last year. May-be.

Something Mom wouldn’t approve: Pizza cone maker
$21.99

Dads are nothing if not trendy, and there’s nothing hotter right now than snackwave. Classic junk foods are in. Eat them in public; eat them with pride! If you laugh at all his jokes, there’s a good chance Dad will whip up a horribly caloric abomination of bastardized Italian food for you, too. Biting into the molten cheese will definitely scald a layer of skin off the mouth of anyone brave and foolish enough to eat one of these, but here is a pizza-lover’s Everest.

Pro tip: Make colossal ice cream cones for dessert!

Something fun: Remote-controlled flying shark
$28.30

For those who can’t afford a fancy new remote-controlled helicopter drone this holiday season, there is this. It allows Dad to recreate Sharknado in the living room and terrify the dog at the same time. With a bit of helium and AAA batteries (always remember the batteries!) the shark can be re-inflated again and again, until the dog decides the house isn’t big enough for two razor-toothed beasts.

Something for puttering: Bear feet slippers
$20.99

LOL PUNS.

Wildcard: Man bowl
$24.99

Is your dad actually a labrador retriever? If so, we’ve got the perfect thing to make him feel like he’s part of the family while you sneak him people food from your plate while Mom isn’t looking.

*No, it doesn’t.