My Ex And I Were Conscious Uncoupling Before It Was Cool

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8th Aug 2015

As part of our Blended Family Friday series, each week we spotlight a different stepfamily to learn how they’ve worked to bring their two families together. Our hope is that by telling their stories, we’ll bring you closer to blended family bliss in your own life! Want to share your family’s story? Email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com.

Brandie Weikle has been divorced for more than three years but not once has she dropped off or picked up the kids at her ex’s. What’s the need? Her ex-husband lives right next door.

Below, Weikle, a founding editor of parenting site The New Family, tells us more about her unique living arrangement. 

 

Hi Brandie. Please introduce us to your family. 

There are five of us in total. I live on one side of the driveway with our sons Cameron, 12 and Alister, 8. Half the time they live on the other side of the driveway with their dad Derek and his wife Amy. We live in Toronto. 

Derek and I have been separated close to seven years. I find it hard to keep track of when exactly we became officially divorced, but I think it was about three and a half years ago. Derek and Amy have been married for two years. 

(Photo courtesy of Lianne Phillipson-Webb)

What went into your decision to move next door to each other? How would you describe your relationship with your husband’s wife?

Well, for the first year of our separation, Derek was actually living in the basement apartment of the home we shared together and that I own today. We both knew we had to find a more permanent solution, but as I detailed in a blog I wrote called Conscious Uncoupling Before It Was Cool, we really struggled to figure out what that would look like. Neither of us could really stomach being even a few minutes away from the kids. As it happened, the place next door came up for rent. We know our arrangement is unusual but we love the easy access this gives the kids to both of us and us to them. When you’re next door neighbors, it’s easy to step out onto the front step and sneak in a bonus hug and find out how camp was that day. 

Amy and I have a friendly relationship. We hand out candy together on Halloween and text a lot about kid logistics! 

What are some of the biggest challenges you’ve faced living next door to your ex? 

I’m being quite sincere when I say that we don’t have a lot of problems stemming from living so close to one another. That’s in part because we don’t harbor a lot of resentment toward one another and no one had a new relationship in the early days when it would have been difficult to witness. But one of the best things about living next door to one another also poses a challenge: The kids don’t have to pack because it’s so easy to run back for something that’s forgotten, which is great. Still, sometimes there are crucial items — like a rain jacket or ball glove — locked in the other house when no one is home. We had a fair amount of drama related to that until we finally got it together with spare keys!  

What’s the best thing about your family’s arrangement?  

One of the best things about this family is that there’s an extra parent! Amy works from home and often helps out with daycare pickup. I’m proudest of the fact that this is just ordinary life to my kids. They expect to be able to see both of us all the time and have little context for divorce situations that don’t look like this. 

What’s your best advice for other divorced parents struggling to adjust to change?

When a marriage ends it can feel like you’re living a life you don’t recognize at all. But if you both operate under one principle — do what’s right for the kids — you’ll wind up with the next best thing: an amicable co-parenting situation where the kids feel secure and loved.

To moms struggling with the fact there’s another woman in the picture, try to put to rest any concerns about her trying to replace you. You’re their number one mom and nothing is going to change that. Plus, new love is ahead for you, too.

 

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