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“It’s like the man I once loved is dead—but his ghost is still haunting me and attacking me..I am grieving his loss and fighting his ghost at the same time. I can’t get any sort of closure” Former client describing how she felt while she was going through a divorce battle..
Divorce is typically a very emotionally wrenching and financially draining experience. The difficulty is compounded when there are children involved. Having experienced firsthand, a highly contested divorce, I understand what it’s like to meet with an attorney at this difficult time and to be involved in a divorce battle. As an attorney who routinely helps clients going through divorce, I also know what it’s like from an attorneys’ viewpoint. This blog aims to provide a high level overview of the typical divorce process as well as some practical tips to help those contemplating or going through a divorce.
What are really the key issues in a divorce?
When you really peel the onion, there are essentially two (2) key questions involved in a divorce [when no children are involved], or three (3) key questions –when children are involved. Specifically:
1) How to end the marital relationship (grounds),
2) What to do about the property (who gets what), and
3) What to do about the children (Custody and visitation), [if children are involved]
In other words, no matter how complex your case may be, it helps to think of your case in terms of these two or three questions and to determine what you want with respect to each key question. You should ask yourself: Do I want to end the relationship; if yes, what properties do I want and why; additionally, if children are involved, what type of custody and or visitation do I want and why.
So how do I get divorced?
Before discussing how to initiate a divorce action, I should start by emphasizing that it is important that you explore all avenues of reconciliation before initiating a divorce. If your relationship can be salvaged, then you should make reasonable efforts to resolve it—especially if children are involved. You may want to seek counselling with a good marriage counsellor or your faith leader.
If indeed your marriage has no hope of reconciliation, then it makes sense to begin to gather and document information relating to your respective and joint assets and liabilities. You should also gather pertinent information relating to your children, such as school records of the children, physical, emotional history of the parties as it relates to the children. You don’t necessarily need to have these ahead of time but it helps your attorney, if you have a head start on gathering these documents.
The divorce action officially starts with the filing of an original petition for divorce. Like every lawsuit, the original petition must be responded to within a given amount of time. This response is called an Answer. The person who files the divorce is described as the ‘Petitioner’ while the other party is the ‘Respondent’. An original petition may include an application for temporary restraining order or temporary injunctions that prohibit the other party from doing certain things such as wasting or hiding assets.
Some jurisdictions have what is called a ‘standing order’ that includes a list of what both parties are prohibited from doing once a divorce action is filed. The standing orders typically includes a requirement for the parties to exchange a document called ‘Inventory and Appraisement’, as well as a Financial Information Form. For instance, Montgomery County has a standing order. Anyone filing an original petition in Montgomery County merely has to include the standing order with the petition for the standing order to take effect and bind the parties from doing the things prohibited by the standing order while the case is going on. A party may also ask for temporary orders regarding the support of the children or maintenance of the community estate or temporary spousal support.
The Respondent may choose not to file an Answer and instead file what is called a “waiver”. A waiver is essentially a notice to the court that the party is giving up his or her right to have the original petition served on him or her by a process server or sheriff. If the Respondent does not file an Answer or a Waiver, a Default judgment may be entered against the Respondent.
Uncontested or Agreed Divorce.
Uncontested Divorce generally describes situations in which the Respondent does not challenge the divorce. Agreed Divorce describes the situation where the parties have reached agreement on all the key issues. In either uncontested or agreed divorce, the Respondent usually files a waiver. In Agreed Divorce, both the Petitioner and Respondent sign the Agreed Final Decree of Divorce. Only one party is required to prove up the divorce.
Contested Divorce describes those cases where the Respondent is challenging the divorce. It does not necessarily mean that the Respondent does not want the divorce—the divorce may be contested because the parties do not have agreement on one or more of the key questions: (the grounds for divorce, how to split their stuff, and custody /visitation of the children). In contested divorce, the fight is typically in layers. There is the layer that describes the issue being fought, and there is often times another layer that I call the emotional layer or the unspoken layer. At AnunobiLaw, we spend a lot of time at trying to understand the different layers of our client’s issues and helping our clients disentangle the real issues from the emotional fights. Fighting over emotional issues or simply based on principles, often lead to very expensive legal fees.
Discovery is a process that allows a party in a lawsuit to discover information from the other party [and sometimes even third parties] that will help the party seeking the information to prosecute their lawsuit or defend themselves. In a divorce setting, discovery generally entails the process of requesting information from the other party concerning the assets, liabilities, school records of the children, physical, emotional history of the parties. It may also include questions that the other party is required to answer under oath.
In contested cases, the parties will typically spend a lot of time and resources in discovery. It is important to emphasize that discovery is a right. The courts do not like it when they think that one party is hiding the ball. We try to help our clients ensure that we produce those documents that we are required to produce and that we request for the documents that we are entitled to. We also work to protect our clients from overly broad or abusive discovery.
Mediation is a form of alternative dispute resolution. Mediation generally involves the parties and their attorneys going in front of a mediator to negotiate and hopefully reach agreement on the outstanding issues—or some of them. Approximately 95% of cases resolve in mediation. One major benefit of mediation is that the parties are usually able to negotiate the specific terms of their divorce decree as opposed to a judge imposing a decree on the parties.
Several courts now require mediation before a Temporary Orders hearing or Final Hearing, unless it can be shown that the safety and welfare of a party or child is at issue. In most cases, we strongly recommend that our clients take advantage of mediation and try to resolve their issues at mediation as it is often less expensive than going to trial. We know which courts require mediation and incorporate that information in our strategy as we are preparing our clients case.
Several courts now require the completion of a parenting class—if children are involved. There are some approved parenting classes that are available online. It is important to check what the court rule is with regards to parenting class and to comply with the specific court’s rule. We generally provide our clients a listing of the approved parenting class for their specific court and guide them through the process.
How to act while the case is on-going?
From my experience, the marital relationship for most people going through a divorce battle ended before the original petition was filed. However, it is important to remember that you are still married until the judge signs the Final Decree of Divorce. I cannot emphasize enough how your conduct both before and after the date of separation through the date the divorce is fair game, and could be subjected to intense scrutiny. Even in cases where the divorce is uncontested, an uncontested divorce could very easy morph into a highly contested case if one party finds out that the other party is in a dating relationship.
Similarly, it is important to watch how you spend money during the pendency of the case. If you are subject to a standing order or temporary injunctions, it is important that you comply with the standing order or temporary injunctions, as you may be subject to sanctions or contempt of court, if you are found to have violated the standing order or temporary injunctions.
In short, it is important to watch your every conduct during the divorce process—it is perhaps best to assume that whatever you do could is subject to cross examination and only engage in those activities you will be able to justify without harming your case.
As difficult as it is, remember to be very cordial in any communication with your spouse. If you are involved in a highly contested case, it may be best to communicate through your attorneys. You do not want to document your anger in an email or text and have it used against you in court.
Finally, remember that documentary and substantiated evidence will generally be given more weight than ‘he say, she say’. It is therefore best to gather as much evidence as you can. For instance, get all relevant legal paperwork, titles, insurance policies, certificate of deposits, pension, profit sharing plans, check stubs, contracts, etc. We usually look through the documents that our clients have gathered and make a determination of which ones are appropriate for that client’s specific case.
(RNS) In a summer of celebrity splits — Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, Miss Piggy and Kermit — a question comes up for many Christians.
Is it a sin — cohabitating Muppets aside — to break up a marriage?
If you’ve got a good reason for divorce — adultery, abuse, addiction or abandonment — fewer than 1 in 4 Americans would call that a sin, a new LifeWay Research survey finds.
The survey of 1,000 U.S. adults finds only a minority would call divorce a sin even when:
However, 37 percent say divorce is not a sin in any of those circumstances.
People who identify as Christians were slightly more likely to see sin in those divorcing over abuse (43 percent) or abandonment (43 percent) or pornography addiction (39 percent).
And more than 4 in 10 Protestants (43 percent) think it’s sinful for couples to split over a lack of love, according to the survey, which has an overall margin of error of plus or minus 3.5 percentage points.
“Hopefully, they are basing their view of what is sin by what the Bible says,” said Scott McConnell, vice president of LifeWay Research.
“Clearly in Scripture, God indicates that he doesn’t like divorce. But Jesus did have things to say about this.”
In Matthew 19:6, Jesus tells the Pharisees: “What God has joined together, man must not separate.” However, Jesus adds an exception in verse 8 — “sexual immorality.”
A second survey, of 1,000 Protestant pastors, found that 61 percent saw sin in couples giving up a loveless marriage.
The surveys of all Americans and of pastors were conducted in September 2014, when celebs Lambert and Shelton, Garner and Affleck and the Muppet couple, about to star in a new TV show, were all presumably still together.
Last week, Miss Piggy squealed about her breakup on Facebook in a perfect parody of celebrity split announcements:
“After careful thought, thoughtful consideration and considerable squabbling, Kermit the Frog and moi have made the difficult decision to terminate our romantic relationship. Our personal lives are now distinct and separate, and we will be seeing other people, pigs, frogs, et al. This is our only comment on this private matter … unless we get the right offer.”
It would appear they no longer love each other. No sin in that, many would say.
Also on HuffPost:
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The series — just like the section itself — was the brainchild of the late Nora Ephron, a woman whose wit and wisdom on the subject of divorce and heartbreak is unparalleled.
“It crosses our mind that there’s far too much attention paid to aphorisms about falling in love and not nearly enough to those about falling out of love,” Ephron wrote in the introduction.
She was absolutely right. In homage to Ephron — and because quotes about heartbreak really should be given more due — we’re relaunching the series with the help of our readers. Was there a saying, quote or mantra that helped you move on during your divorce? We want to hear it! Send the quote and a few sentences about it to firstname.lastname@example.org for consideration.
This week, writer Jennifer Iacovelli shares the straight-shooting saying that made the divorce process less stressful. The divorced mom and HuffPost blogger recently marked the one year anniversary of her divorce.
Read what she had to say about the quote below:
“Coming up with an agreement with my ex was the most stressful and emotional thing I have ever experienced. In the heat of it all, the saying that got me through it — and still does every now and then — was ‘do no harm but take no shit.’ It was a good reminder to keep myself on the high road but stand my ground when it was necessary. Our divorce was finalized on what would have been my 14-year wedding anniversary. Interestingly enough, I recently found a shirt with the quote on it. I love it!” — Jennifer Iacovelli, writer at Another Jennifer
Check out the slideshow for more quotes that inspired our readers:
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Hall & Oates singer Daryl Hall is headed for divorce.
The musician’s wife Amanda Aspinall has filed for divorce after six years of marriage, Page Six reported Thursday.
The docs were reportedly filed back in May; TMZ reports that the couple has a prenup.
Hall, 68, is currently on a summer tour across the U.S. with John Oates. This will be the blue-eyed singer’s second divorce; he was previously married to to Bryna Lublin from 1969 to 1972.
Aspinall is the daughter of the late British zoo owner and gambling tycoon John Aspinall. The pair, who married in 2009, have no children together but Aspinall has two kids on her own.
More from HuffPost:
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As part of our Blended Family Friday series, each week we spotlight a different stepfamily to learn how they’ve worked to bring their two families together. Our hope is that by telling their stories, we’ll bring you closer to blended family bliss in your own life! Want to share your family’s story? Email us at email@example.com.
A family may change after divorce but it doesn’t have to fall apart. Just ask Heather Belanger. The remarried mom of two prides herself on the close co-parenting relationship she shares with her ex-husband Tony.
“As far as my son is concerned, it’s normal to see mom and dad at each other’s homes and to see mom and dad there for all of those special moments in his life,” Heather told The Huffington Post recently.
Below, she shares more about her blended family.
Hi Heather. Please introduce us to your family.
At my house we have me, my husband Mike, our daughter Grace (1) and my son Alex (5). At Alex’s dad’s house, there’s his dad Tony, Tony’s girlfriend Jesse, plus their 3-year-old daughter Violet.
Tony and I have been divorced since February 2013, but separated since 2011.
Mike, Grace, Alex and Heather. (Photo courtesy of Gabrielle Wyckoff)
How did you forge such a close relationship with Tony and Jesse? As a parent, why is that relationship important?
The most important thing in our eyes is for Alex to know that even though he comes from a “broken home,” the love and commitment his father and I had from the very beginning is still there, because we’re a family. Family is family and nothing is more important at the end of the day.
As for my relationship with Jesse, we didn’t set out to be friends, it just naturally evolved. It started between the births of Violet and Grace, after the emotions following the divorce had begun to fade. We both felt it was important for Alex to be close to both of his sisters. And the more we did things together for the sake of Alex, the closer we all became and the easier it was for us to realize that working together as a team benefited everyone. It’s also practical; with both my husband and my ex working a lot, it’s awesome to have the help or the extra set of hands.
What are some of the biggest challenges you’ve faced as parents since the divorce?
This is a tough question! I’d like to say the relationship between our families has come to be through trial and error, but really, there hasn’t been much of that. We’ve just adapted as situations have changed and it’s worked out in our favor. Most of the challenges we have come across have come from outside our family, when people are confused or critical of our situation. People’s perception on how we do things is that it isn’t “normal” and anything not normal is chastised or questioned, which is frustrating.
What’s the best thing about being so close even after divorce?
As far as any of us are concerned, our kids are happy, healthy and in my opinion, more fulfilled getting to see two families come together and work together so well.
What’s your best advice for other divorced parents struggling to co-parent?
My advice would be to find the things that are preventing co-parenting from happening and figure out a way to resolve those issues. Is it hurt feelings? Jealousy? A grudge? Look at your behaviors and think about whether you’re comfortable with your kids following that example. None of that can be more important than getting in as many moments with your kids as possible, so try to compromise and make it happen.
More from HuffPost:
It was the summer of 1999. I went to the mall with my friend Derek, and we ran into one of his friends at Spencer’s Gifts. I browsed the store while they talked. Then I heard Derek’s friend ask, “Is that your sister?”
He was referring to me.
I was 11 years old. I had long hair because I loved pro wrestling at that time, and I was wearing a basketball jersey because it was my favorite sport. My long hair might have confused him, but I think it was the shirt. It emphasized my chest, and what Derek’s friend might have thought were budding breasts.
That’s when I realized I was fat. It’s my earliest memory of feeling that way, and I don’t have a single memory since that day of feeling comfortable and confident in my body.
My life has been a seesaw of losing weight, then gaining it back and realizing I looked better before. When I look back and realize I was slim, it’s only after the fact. I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I could be in shape if only I figured out the formula, like I’m so close, while at the same time resigning myself to never truly expect to look in the mirror and enjoy what I see. It’s only now, at age 27, that I realize I have body image issues.
After I got home from the mall that day, I told my mom I wanted to cut my hair. It was one small thing I could do to fix my appearance. But that didn’t stop me from still feeling fat. I was the kid too scared to swim in public without a shirt. I learned what kinds of clothes hid my belly.
Part of my struggle with my body image is a personal view that I’m failing at achieving my goal of slimming down. It’s a cycle: I’m not good enough because I’m out of shape, causing me to lose confidence and motivation to work out, but my exercise doesn’t result in feeling skinnier.
Singer Sam Smith explained poignantly this year that being called “fat” hurt more than an anti-gay slur: “I think just because I’ve accepted that if someone calls me a faggot, it’s like, I am gay and I’m proud to be gay so there’s no issues there. If someone calls you fat, that’s something I want to change.”
One of my problems is that when I do change my weight, I fail to acknowledge it.
At 14, I don’t remember a single day I felt thin, and yet I was in great shape, playing hockey regularly. It wasn’t until my senior year, when I had put on a few pounds from eating too much fast food, that I could actually see what I really looked like back then. I remember looking at a photo of my 14-year-old self and thinking, “I looked skinny.” A high school teacher responded, “No, you look good now. You look underfed there.”
I lost weight my first year of college — about 40 pounds — all due to counting calories, trying to keep it close to 1,500 a day, and eating a lot of Jimmy John’s sandwiches without mayo. At the time, I realized I had lost weight, but when I looked in the mirror I didn’t see a skinny person. I still had a knack for doing things like wearing hoodies or ribbed tanks underneath T-shirts because I felt like they covered up my curves.
This is a phenomenon where focusing so much on a particular body part can make it bigger in our imagination, said Aaron Blashill, Ph.D., a Harvard University psychology professor.
David LaPorte, a psychology professor at Indiana University of Pennsylvania, recalled a doctoral student he had a decade ago who studied the image perceptions of guys at the gym, and discovered that 1/5 of men considered to be in shape were uncomfortable taking their shirts off. “And things have not gotten better since then,” LaPorte said.
What made the study all the more interesting was that it only looked at guys who were confident enough to go to the gym in the first place, he continued, many of whom were walking around wearing those muscle-man shirts to show off they had just worked out. I responded with a memory of the athletic guys wearing hoodies and sweats to class when I was in college, while I always felt I needed to dress up for class to compensate for my lack of an impressive body. “Compensating in different ways, I guess,” LaPorte told me.
About half of all men don’t like having their picture taken or being seen in swimwear, according to an NBC Today Show/AOL Body Image survey from last year. Research from the University of the West of England found a majority of guys felt part of their body wasn’t muscular enough, and more men than women would sacrifice at least a year of their life in exchange for a perfect body.
Sometimes I complain about my weight to my close friends, but they say they don’t see it. Some tell me they think I have an athletic build. Others say I’m skinny. I don’t believe it, and I grab my flab to prove it. I see my body bulging out of my shirt in the mirror. I don’t see an athlete. I don’t see skinny.
Three years ago, my first year in New York, a female friend asked me to the beach. I said yes, but secretly prayed for rain so I would have an excuse to back out. It didn’t rain, but my “scheduling conflicts” saved me from going. I sacrificed a beautiful day at the beach with friends all so I could avoid taking off my shirt in front of them.
“When we avoid situations in the short-run — that can help reduce negative or difficult emotions, but in the long-run it actually serves to reinforce those thoughts that prevent us from doing something in the first place,” Blashill said.
One reason I avoid those situations is my fear of being in the vicinity of more attractive men on the beach, which makes sense because according to Blashill, “folks with body image concerns tend to engage in social comparison,” usually “upward comparison.”
When I mentioned this fear to Dr. Edward Abramson, a psychologist in California and author of the book Emotional Eating, he asked me a question: What am I afraid of?
It’s ridiculous to think my friends might see me shirtless, and suddenly become repulsed as if they’d discovered a Nazi-style swastika tattoo. So then, what exactly scared me? I realized I was afraid of what they might be thinking. It freaked me out to think people in my life would file in their mind that their friend Tyler is a fatty.
“The theme there generally is one of social anxiety,” Abramson said. “That other people are going to look at me in a certain way. I encourage people to look around them at other people and recognize that they’re far more accepting of other people’s imperfections than they are of their own.”
I’ve had trouble reaching this point, where I can openly admit I’m uncomfortable with my body. I never thought I had a problem because I wasn’t bulimic, wasn’t anorexic and, in my opinion, wasn’t doing anything extreme. After all, is it so bad if I feel compelled to spend 45 minutes four times a week at the gym? LaPorte said probably not, unless I’m sacrificing social interactions for it.
I found this same issue with a colleague who I consider to be in great shape, and works out six days a week to maintain that. When he takes his shirt off, he said, “I feel as though all eyes are on me and no one is liking what they see.” While he finds friends supportive when he discusses his insecurities, he said, “There’s a pervading sense of, ‘Dude, you have it pretty damn good.'”
A lot of guys I interviewed around the office had similar reservations, even among those I thought looked better than me. Height was another big image problem they mentioned, which is something we can’t change. Many said that when they spoke about their issues with friends, it often goes something like this:
“Dude I feel fat”
“Look man, you’re not fat”
“But I feel fat”
“Honestly, I don’t know what to tell you, it’s not a problem.”
Contemporary masculinity does not permit a man to admit his physique is less than ideal. But if men could be more open about their own insecurities, without fear of violating the unspoken rules of masculinity, we’d do better at accepting our flaws in our bodies. And maybe then we could get closer to doing what Blashill recommended: “acknowledging there are many ways to be healthy.”
I spent the past few months thinking a lot about this, and reflecting on my own insecurities. After talking to friends, psychologists and men around the office, I did something I avoided for years: I went to the beach.
My first day at the beach was with some close friends. In a modern romantic comedy-style plot twist, they ended up inviting someone who I’d recently been messaging on OkCupid that happened to be a mutual friend of theirs. In spite of that, I spent the day without a shirt on, in front of friends, strangers and dating profile matches, and somehow managed. No one insulted me; I still have friends; I am still able to go on dates; and I found $10 on the ground. In other words, the world didn’t end.
Abramson was right: I looked at other people, noticed their imperfections and recognized my opinion wasn’t changing of them. Maybe then those thoughts I have that someone can see my belly or love handles, or it looks like I have man boobs, are just my thoughts. I’m not cured, but I’ve made progress.
At 27, I’m able to admit I don’t like my body. But it shouldn’t have taken me years to get to that point. I spent too long feeling like I had a secret, that I was hiding my weight issues, unable to talk about it, because rules of masculinity forbid it.
It shouldn’t be extraordinary for men to talk about their bodies. We shouldn’t need a goofy term like “dad bod” to admit we aren’t in perfect shape.
Men don’t face the same unrealistic expectations as women, but they still feel pressure to look better, and they’re behind where women are in discussing insecurities. All it takes to change that is one guy opening up to his friends. As one colleague said, “Once one friend starts sharing, it sets the space for everyone else to do so as well.”
Tyler Kingkade is a senior editor and reporter at The Huffington Post, and is based in New York. You can contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org, or on Twitter: @tylerkingkade.
It’s easy to be hard on yourself when going through divorce in your 20s. While all your friends are busy planning their weddings on Pinterest, you’re planning a new life without your spouse and dealing with mounting legal bills.
To make the process a little easier, we asked experts — divorce lawyers, psychologists and financial advisors — to offer their best advice. Here’s what they had to say:
1. Chalk the divorce up to a lapse in judgment.
Don’t fall into the trap of feeling like a failure for splitting up in your 20s. Forgive yourself and remember that you were young and maybe a little naive when you said “I do,” said Andra Brosh, a Los Angeles-based psychologist.
“The truth is that you probably landed here because of a lapse in judgment and unrealistic expectations of the relationship,” she said. “Blame it on your brain; some research has suggested that the brain is not fully mature or developed until well into your 20s.”
2. Learn from the mistakes you made in your marriage.
You’re only allowed to sulk about splitting up for so long. Eventually, you need to reframe your thinking and see the divorce as a stepping stone to personal growth, said Antonio Borrello, a Detroit-based psychologist. Ultimately, divorce should teach you what you need to do differently in order to have a healthier, longer lasting relationship the next time around, he explained.
“You’ll still need to work on whatever it was that killed your marriage even after you get out,” he said. “If you don’t, you’ll drag that junk into your next relationship. Develop some insight and take ownership of the part you played in the downfall of your marriage.”
3. Be wary of rebounding.
Yes, you’re still young and Tinder is very tempting, but for your own well-being, it might be best to take a dating and relationship hiatus, said dating coach Neely Steinberg.
“Spend time developing your independence and discovering who you are outside of a relationship,” she said. “Understand that your existence is not validated by you being in a relationship or by another person. You validate you. Once you are good by yourself and you love who you are on your own, then maybe take a small, smart step to move forward again in your dating life.”
4. Consider mediation as an alternative to litigation.
There’s one advantage young divorcés have over those who go through the process later in life: You likely have less marital assets to divvy up (property, retirement accounts, etc.) and no children to shield from ugly custody battles. Given that, you may want to forgo traditional litigation and consider meeting with a mediator to work out the terms of your divorce, said divorce coach Laura Miolla.
“It’s faster, cheaper and gives you far more control over the process and the agreement you end up with,” she explained. “With less to negotiate, mediation is your best path to divorce without the huge bite out of your bank account in legal fees.”
5. Shared debt may complicate the process.
You might not have much property to divide but you may have shared debt. If you split your joint debt (“I’ll be responsible for this credit card, if you’re responsible for that one”), know that complications could arise later, said certified divorce financial analyst Donna Cheswick.
“Where I see problems occur is when one spouse fails to make monthly payments or files for bankruptcy,” Cheswick said. “If this occurs, the creditors can, and will, go after either party to recoup the full amount of the debt, plus interest and penalties. Lenders don’t care what the couple agreed to in their divorce agreement. They see the credit as a legal obligation of both parties and will enforce the debt obligation, regardless of marital status.”
6. Don’t rant about your divorce on social media.
The drama between you and your ex may be as juicy and compelling as an episode of “Empire,” but your Facebook friends really don’t need to hear about it. What’s more, ranting about your ex could cost you big time in court, said Adam Kielich, a family law attorney based in Dallas.
“Social media creates all sorts of problems in litigation,” he said. “It might be satisfying to skewer your spouse in front of friends and family on Facebook but the satisfaction will quickly dissipate if it gets back to your spouse and becomes a conflict in the divorce. You never know what seemingly innocent post or picture might become important evidence in your divorce.”
7. Take comfort in your friends.
When you do need to rant, call up your closest friends and family and bare your heart to them, suggested psychologist Borrello. That said, keep in mind that since your friends are ultimately #TeamYou, their advice may be a little one-sided.
“Your friends and family will instinctually blame your ex,” he said. “Don’t allow that to get in the way of you investigating the dynamics of the failed relationship and the factors that you contributed to the breakup.”
8. See your divorce as a gift, not a failure.
Once you’ve taken accountability for the part you played in your marriage’s downfall, stop obsessing over why it didn’t last and task yourself with moving on, said Miolla.
“There’s no power in endless obsessing, only judgment and shame — two things that will never serve you well,” she said. “Focus instead on what you are learning from this experience — about yourself, about relationships, about love.”
While you’re at it, remind yourself that you shared some really good times with your ex, too.
“Celebrate that you did love. And you will again,” Miolla said. “Use this experience to define what you want for yourself, what you insist on and what you won’t allow in your life anymore. Divorce can be a gift if it teaches you.”
More from HuffPost:
For Loly, a woman in her mid-twenties living in France, that scenario was a reality. Even though she was healthy, sex-positive and actively looking for ways to achieve orgasm, she didn’t find a way to do it until she came across an exercise that changed her life forever.
Of course Loly isn’t the only person — female or male — who has trouble with orgasming. Even though almost all of us are physically capable of having them, that doesn’t mean we are having them. And for those of us who can orgasm, all too often they can still be hard to come by, show up too soon or take forever to achieve.
So, for the latest HuffPost Love+Sex Podcast, host Noah Michelson (helming the show by himself this week due to co-host Carina Kolodny being out of the studio) went in search of tips, tricks and — ultimately — the truth about how everyone can achieve orgasms. And not just any orgasm but the very best orgasms possible.
To help him in his quest, Michelson chatted with Jenny Block, author of the recently published book O Wow! Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm, and Ian Kerner, sex therapist and author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pleasuring A Woman:
If you want to download and/or listen to the podcast offline, head to iTunes or Stitcher.
This podcast was produced and edited by Katelyn Bogucki and sound engineered by Brad Shannon. Like Love + Sex? Subscribe, rate and review our podcast on iTunes.
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“The comic was the result of us discussing the worst ways they’d been dumped and the worst ways they could imagine getting dumped,” Bigelow, who’s based in Seattle, told The Huffington Post.
The strip is part of the Bigelow’s Stairwell series, which chronicles the conversations a guy named Norman has with his brain.
As for this particular comic, Bigelow wanted to get across that “there is no good way to get dumped. But there are varying degrees of crappiness in the ways that one could be dumped.”
Below, six of the crappiest ways of all.
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Dating is a nerve-racking experience for anyone — and when you’re a newly divorced guy, you have even more to worry about. (“Will my date think I have a ton of baggage?” “Did I really just get Tinder-matched with my ex’s sister?”)
The experience is not for the faint of heart. Below, divorced men share the things that freaked them out most about dating after the big D.
1. Do I seem totally desperate?
“I worried about seeming desperate and damaged, even though I was a little of both. Thank God for my family and my therapist! And my cat. (I also worried about being a crazy cat dude, but my cat’s awesome.) — Antonio Sacre, author of My Name Is Cool
2. What will my kids think of this person? (Actually, maybe I shouldn’t let my kids meet this person.)
“I spent a lot of time anxiously wondering whether my daughter and the women in my life would get along — or else plotting to keep them from ever meeting.” — Jeffrey Zeth
3. I feel like I’m cheating on my wife — err, ex-wife.
“At least when I was a teenager I had an excuse for being nervous. This time, I also felt like I was cheating on my wife. Yes, she was no longer my spouse, but I hadn’t been out with any other woman in a long time.” — Elliott Katz, author of Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man
4. Am I really ready?
“Hands down, the number one thing I was nervous about was whether I was really ready to date. I certainly felt ready: Ready to have sex. Ready to have some sort of a relationship. But what kind of relationship? I simply wasn’t sure if I should even be dating.” — Chris Burcher
5. How are my kids going to respond to me dating?
“Look, divorce is traumatic enough for kids. When you start dating, you don’t want them to feel disappointed when daddy ditches them some nights to ‘go meet a friend.’ That’s why I put off dating for at least two years to avoid stressing my kids out.” — Craig Tomashoff
6. What if there’s a name slip-up?
“I worried about calling my date by my ex-wife’s name. Whoops.” — Antonio Sacre
7. Will she look anything like her profile picture?
“You never know. I met women who used 10-year-old photos (‘because my stylist says I don’t look a day over 30…even though I’m 40’) and a woman who had used an intensely airbrushed head-on shot.” — Darren Marshall
8. Oh, great, now I’m going to have to get in shape.
“One of the greatest things about getting married is you can stop working hard to constantly impress potential mates. Eat the fettuccine Alfredo. Skip the kickboxing class. I panicked about having to get back on the market again because it meant vanity and I had to get reacquainted. And that meant a lot of hard work that I wasn’t ready to take on.” — Craig Tomashoff
9. What kind of weirdos am I going to meet on Tinder, Plentyof Fish, etc.?
“I was nervous about who I’d meet online. I had my kids every Thursday through Sunday so it didn’t take long to realize it was going to be a challenge to meet people. To be honest, I always thought online dating was for desperate individuals so I didn’t know what to expect.” — Kevin Cotter, author of 101 Uses for My Ex-Wife’s Wedding Dress
10. The state of their manscaping.
“Some single buddies of mine explained to me how much they groomed themselves. Having been married for almost 12 years I had never groomed anything below my neck. By age 36, hair was definitely showing up in places it didn’t belong so I had work to do.” — Kevin Cotter
11. Is she going to drill me on why I’m divorced?
“It’s not a conversation to have on the first few few dates but the subject will eventually come up the more serious things get. The truth is always complicated; I was always torn between making sure she understood the whole story and giving her TMI.” — Jeffrey Zeth
12. Enough about me. What if she has baggage of her own?
“I had one date who turned up in a wedding ring. She had apparently yet to tell her husband the news that they were separated and that she was on Match.com…” — Darren Marshall
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